No Refunds on Sex Toys
By J.T. Massacre

"I'm sorry but our policy is firm, no refunds on sex toys."

If I had a token for each time I said these words I could keep all the trench-coated perverts happy in their sweaty peep booths  for a millennia.  I was playing drums in JP5 and needed work before the next tour. Our guitar player, Doctor, was working at the porn store in Whalley and put in a good word for me. It was there I became initiated into the world of the porn merchant.

I was instructed on the proper way to sell a vibrator. First you have to take it out of the package and put the batteries in to show the customer the product works properly. It is important to unscrew it at the base and not at the speed control or you can wreck it.

On my first vibrator sale I remember showing a large dyke how to change batteries while a vibrating phallus buzzed away on the counter next to us. It buzzed right off the end of the counter and into the dust bunnies where it's back flew open and  scattered batteries under the counter. Red-faced, I scrambled for the batteries on the floor.

I was putting away movie sleeves in the gay section and heard a whisper.  "Do you come in this section often?"

I turned and looked down to see a midget checking out my ass. He glanced away quickly just as I finished putting away the last of the video sleeves. "Actually, I work here and I'm sorting out the movies."

He began to sweat. "What section is this?  OH! ...my mistake I never come to this part of the store!"  He  nervously introduced himself, purchased some tokens and proceeded to the booths in the back of the store.  I learned  he was a regular. He came in on weekends after drinking all night at the Flamingo. He hangs out until his dad picks him up.

I met Crazy Larry. He made his first appearance at 2 AM reeking of craziness and stale cigarettes.  He came to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm Crazy Larry, the mayor of Whalley!"

"If there's anything I can help you with just let me know", I responded.

He proceeded to check out the inventory and I went back to pricing dildos. After a few minutes he came to me holding a female mannequin donning a bondage harness.

"How much?"

"The harness is $125." I replied.

"No, how much for the harness AND the doll?"

After agreeing on the price of $150 he grabbed a purple feather boa and draped it over the doll's neck. "What about the handcuffs?" he asked, pointing to the display case. Then I saw him eyeing my toque with the Misfits skeleton.

"The toque is not for sale." I said.

"I'll give you 25 bucks for it."  

The total came to $190 but Crazy Larry, the mayor of Whalley,  gave me $300 and told me to keep the change.   He didn't want a bag.  Instead he put on the leather harness and boa and had me snap the cuffs on him with his hands in front of his body, that way he could carry the mannequin. I put the toque on his head and he walked out the door with a big grin on his face.  Unfortunately, I forgot to give him the key to the cuffs.

The next evening Crazy Larry came back to the store wearing the same clothes as the night before,  minus the boa and bondage gear.  Apparently after he left the store he went across the street to drink in the bushes with his new playmate.  The cops saw something and investigated. I imagine their surprise at finding this crazed drunk sitting in the bushes with bondage gear, a mannequin and a feather boa. 

"It took them 45 minutes to get the cuffs off," he laughed like a loon. 

It was the best night of Crazy Larry's life.
 

***
 

Postscript: When I later returned from the tour with JP5 I resumed my post at the porno store.  I had dyed my hair purple while in Winnipeg,  Larry  came to visit at the store.  "I really like your hair color," he said.

When I saw him again he was blue from the top of his head down to his chin. 

"Larry, what did you do??" I asked.

"I liked your hair so much I thought I would do it too."  So he found some ink behind the printing shop and poured it all over his head.